21 years already, yet no contribution I've done

Assalamualaikum w.r.t. 

Alhamdulillah, selawat dan salam ke atas junjungan besar Nabi Muhammad s.a.w., ahli keluarga baginda, para sahabat serta semua yang mengikuti petunjuk Baginda hingga ke hari akhirat. Segala puji dan syukur dititipkan kepada Rabbul Izzati kerana sekarang genap 21 tahun umur saya pada 20 Jun yang lepas. SubhanaAllah..sekarang saya masih diizinkan untuk hidup dan diberi peluang berkali-kali untuk bertaubat dan manambah bekalan. Tapi saya berasa betapa sikitnya persediaan saya untuk dibawa ke kampung akhirat. I remember one statement wrote by Maria Elena in her blog, yang mana berbunyi lebih kurang macam ni, a death is like you’re jumping to the cliff, yet you don’t know when you’ll hit the ground. Indeed. It made me feel scared! Sepanjang hari kelahiran saya tahun ni, ada beberapa benda yang saya nak share and save into my memory space.

I missing my sandal

How unlucky I am on my birthday morning, masa saya nak pergi beli breakfast, I found that my Polo sandal – bought by my mama is missing. Firstly rasa little bit tense jugak, tapi husnozhon (bersangka baik), mungkin ada orang pinjam bawa pergi mana-mana. Then I say, it’s ok. Mungkin orang yang pinjam tu akan bagi balik. But until now, I found that my sandal is not there, on the shoes rack. And the day after that, still, not there. Now only my old, beige color shoes yang dah rosak is left and my sport shoes. Actually tak kisah pun pasal tu. That’s a small matter. Tapi I wonder how I’ll attend my exam this Sunday. I’ve no shoes left. Huhu. But masa tengah makan tengahari sambil dengar radio IKIM, saya terdengar satu tazkirah yang kata betapa tak bersyukur kita bila Allah bagi sedikit ujian kita dah merungut. Lebih kurang macam tu. Saya rasa macam terkena satu cubitan di pipi. Terus lepas tu istighfar and zikrullah banyak-banyak. Memang..betapa saya ni makhluk yang kurang bersyukur tapi banyak merungut.Astaghfirullah. Berlapang dada sajalah. After that, some calmness and relieve slowly appeared in my soul. SubhanaAllah..

Picnic with classmates

That day juga, my classmates buat picnic kat tepi Pantai Batu Rakit. Lebih kurang 5 minit dari universiti kami. Jadi pagi-pagi tu kami yang perempuan tolong sediakan bahan untuk BBQ dan masak makanan sama-sama kat rumah sewa kawan. How excited I am! Dah lama saya tak rasa suasana meriah macam hari tu. Rasa macam nak buat kenduri pula. Masa kecik-kecik dulu nenek selalu buat makan-makan kat rumah. She’s a good chef. Saya suka masakan nenek. Lagi pula, sepupu sepapat saya sebelah mama memang ramai. Jadi sangat meriah. Tapi sekarang bila dah besar semua dan nenek pun dah tak dapat nak masak macam dulu, jadi family gathering pun dah kurang. Makan pun kadang-kadang buat catering saja. Ya..zaman sekarang semua busy dan nak cepat kan. Kalau nanti kami boleh kumpul ramai-ramai lagi hanya bila kenduri kawen my siblings saja. Back to the preparation, sampai-sampai saja saya terus pergi dapur cari kerja. Saya suka masuk dapur dan tolong mama buat kerja. I’m not a good chef, but I can be a good helper. And I am my mama’s best chef assistant at home. Huhu. Kidding ^_^. How I enjoy that feeling. Everybody is working and talking non-stop. We tease each others. We work as a team. I can feel a good bonding too. And yes, that’s the aim for this event – to tightening the bonding. Dah lama kami satu kelas tak berkumpul ramai-ramai.Seingat saya, last berkumpul sama-sama masa sem 1. And now, dah sem 4.

Satu group dah tolong bersihkan ayam kat luar rumah. Saya dapat tahu 10 ekor ayam juga dibeli. Dah macam nak buat kenduri dah. Satu group lagi tengah potong kobis dan lobak merah untuk buat coslaw. And the other is making sandwich and breakfast untuk yang tak sarapan lagi. Seronok. At least I don’t feel so alone this time. Just like living in my own family. Of course they’re my family here. That’s why I love them very much. I am concentrating on slicing the serai. Nak letak dalam perasa untuk marinate ayam nanti. Lepas siap hiris serai, tolong potong lobak merah dan kobis pula. Lepas tu tolong potong ayam untuk masukkan dalam bihun goreng. Saya diusik habis-habisan by my classmates. Ada masa-masa saya buat tak tahu saja sebab nak fokus buat kerja. Ada masa tersengih-sengih juga bila kena batang hidung. The moment I can’t forgot was while I cutting chicken into small pieces, kak Jazu, my senior classmate ask me while she’s at the guest room on how long I need to finish my work? She wants to cook the chicken right now! And because I was talking with my friend while working, I forgot about that. So sebab kalut, I just chopping the chicken into pieces and now the chicken dah tak nampak macam ayam lagi. Dengan tulang terkeluarnye.. So I just giggle looking at my ‘art work’. Itu yang jadi bila saya dah nervous ~_~

Everyone is looking good with their own abilities. Saya suka tengok kawan-kawan gembira. And at least there is no gap between us for a while. Lepas Zohor, bahan-bahan dah siap tersedia. Tunggu nak goreng bihun je lagi. Jadi yang lain pergi solat dan urus diri sementara yang selebihnya siapkan masakan. Sambil tunggu yang lain dan nak lepaskan penat buat kerja, ada yang tengah check carry mark, ada yang tengok rancangan Korea kat tv.Semua buat hal masing-masing. Lepas solat saya terjumpa buku Cinta Kerana Allah oleh Pahrol Mohd Juoi. It catches my attention- now buku ni dah termasuk dalam list must-buy books. Saya memang pantang tengok buku. Jadi masa tengah baca buku saya tertidur sebab penat. About 3 pm kami gerak ke pantai. This time, giliran lelaki pula buat kerja. Dorang tolong bakar ayam. Good moment to remember. And I was heading to the beach. Sebab saya suka pantai. Pantai di Terengganu sangat cantik. Air lautnya biru kehijauan dan langitnya nampak membiru. Bila berada di tempat yang menenangkan, nak ulang hafazan pun senang. Bila diperhati dan difikirkan, saya jadi cemburu pada ombak yang tak berhenti beralun dan langit yang tetap setia mentaati perintah Tuhan. How they can obey Allah while I am a sinner. Selalu buat dosa dalam keadaan sedar atau tidak. Cuba kalau ombak dan langit tak mahu mentaati perintah Tuhan. Pasti lautan sudah menenggelamkan bumi dan langit menimpa apa-apa yang berada di bawahnya. Dan kalau bumi juga tak mahu berputar, tiadalah siang dan malam..SubhanaAllah.Sungguh aku cemburu dengan ketaatan para makhluk-Mu..

Lepas 2 jam baru boleh berasa makan ayam dan masakan lain. Dah kenyang, kami pergi bermain kat tepi pantai lagi. Main air, tangkap gambar, posing-posing. Waa..seronok. Saya pula lebih suka melayan Daniel, anak my senior classmate. Comel betul dia. Seronok tengok dia gembira main air. Sekarang dia dah besar. Dah boleh cakap sikit-sikit. Masa mula-mula jumpa dulu dia masih baby. And here it is. The classmates gathering. Some classmates wish for my birthday. Saya pun tak perasan mesej banyak masuk kat phone, semua doakan yang terbaik untuk saya. Yes I feel touched. (Can I cry?) Saya doakan mereka yang doakan saya sama ada ikhlas, spontan ataupun tidak, dengan doa yang baik-baik akan dapat juga apa yang didoakan untuk saya. Dan semoga dia dapat yang lebih baik lagi daripada apa yang didoakan untuk saya.As usual, I know who’ll texting me the earliest every year, during my birthday. And that time, I nearly forgot about my own birthday. It’s not important anymore because I enjoy this wonderful moment. I miss this moment a lot. So I think, if I have my own family in the future, it will be so sweet to fulfill our time together. About 7 pm baru kami siap-siap nak balik. Itupun lepas bunyi guruh dan cuaca mendung macam nak ribut. 

MABIT

Malam lepas picnic saya ada program MABIT (Malam Bina Iman & Taqwa) organized by persatuan Islamik yang saya join. Ni lah tempat saya perbaharui iman lepas beberapa lama berada dalam suasana awam. Tempat saya muhasabah diri. Di sinilah tempat mereka yang dahagakan tarbiyah(didikan) ‘melepak’.Dan saya rasa, tak kiralah apa-apa persatuan Islamik sekalipun, tujuannya tetap sama, nak dapatkan cinta Allah. Benda-benda ni salah satu wasilah(sebab) untuk dapatkan cinta Allah.Bukan untuk berfanatik atau mengikut tanpa matlamat dan tujuan. Saya masih terasa penat dengan event petang tadi. Bila dah penat mula la rasa malas nak pergi ke tempat-tempat bermanfaat macam ni. But I keep receiving messages by my lovely akhawat. When I nearly decided not to go, suddenly I’m calling one of my ukhti about the program. As I hear her voice, a kind of good spirit is boosting, attracting me to go there even how tired I am right now.

Actually before that I texting my mas’ulah (one who lead a group of usrah) that I’ve change my mind. I cannot go to MABIT because I’ve problem with my sandal and shoes? And she was not joining the program that time because she was flown to Sabah, her hometown. After I told her, suddenly I think wisely, how can I cannot go to the event just because of the silly, stupid, ridiculous reason like that? How old is my age right now? Two years? Three years? How long I’ve live before? So I replied her immediately, “But it’s ok. I can wear my sport shoes”. So I packing my clothes, Quran, laptop, Java revision book and all kinds of stuff I may needed and quickly leave my comfortable bedroom while it’s raining heavily outside. One of the akhwat already waiting in front the hostel with her car. I feel guilty and silly for the worst decision I made just before. So with all those hard feeling, I think I really need to refresh my iman- promptly! As I arrived at the event, they already perform the Isya’ prayer. They gathering together to listen for a tazkirah(remembrance) from Kak Noni, the elder akhwat.Two things that I captured from the reminder were about aim and awareness to live in the world. And now my soul feels calm again. While listening to the tazkirah, my eyes cannot stop to glance at her children, crawling and playing surrounds her.

After having a Majlis Wida’(farewell for akhwat who’ll graduated this sem), we heading to sleep. Dan masa saya nak turun tangga untuk urus diri sebelum tidur, I saw little Widad crawling up the stairs. Huhu. There you’re little baby. At last, now I got you! Saya tak boleh nak tahan diri dari nak layan dia, cubit pipi dia, kissing dia,ambil gambar dan dukung ke mana-mana. She’s cute! Innocent baby..and along the event that nite, they also celebrated my birthday while we gathering together. Seriously, I don’t like surprised because I don’t know how to react with the sudden act. And it made me feel soo ashamed. I keep hiding behind my akhwat long hijab while eating french fries and act like nothing happen. I’m burning and blushing. All of them keep searching which one is the birthday girl. But I think I love them more after that. Touched T_T (for the second time).I know who’s the master mind for this event.  And that night too, I meet my senior akhwat yang nak grad sem ni. She’s the VP for this organization. We keep sharing and exchange our experiences and ideas until 1 am outside the balcony. Before leaving she said, “Inilah padahnya kalau dah lama tak berjumpa”. We keep smiling to each other dan melepaskan rindu masing-masing. The best moment is, lastly, I can eat the chocolate cake! (Secret Recipe pula tu).And I have a chance to pamper with the baby and gathering with everyone I love..three favorite things I did in one day.

Before I sleep I keep remembering all the things that happened that day. Just like the previous night. And I keep tracking my past years, how Allah have given me so many chances, until I’m 21 years old now, yet so little thing I’ve do for ummah? And all the people and creatures around me..for how long  I must being like this? Or maybe I’ve contribute nothing for Islam instead of only keeping myself save and just hoping that everyone know what actually they should do in this life. And when I observing all the people around me I feel so jealous..because their good deeds more than me..or their knowledges is higher than me..or they can keep istiqamah (continuously doing a thing without fail) obeying Allah and do all the good deeds. Atau dorang boleh pergi ke program tarbiyah lain selepas menghadiri program tarbiyah dalam masa yang cukup dekat. Dan saya pula tak ada kekuatan untuk menahan segala keletihan dan tanggungjawab lain.While I’m the sinner. Always doing sins and sins and sins. Mountain! I always hope, Allah will never give up on me even I’ve given up to Him. And I always pray that Allah will hold and protect my soul so that I’ll always feel the calm, keep humble and obey Him no matter how weak I am in the time of trials. Even I can’t be the best helper for this Ummah..I hope that one day, I would give birth to a great Mujaheed and Mujaheedah for the ummah. InsyaAllah..aamiin..